Check out this amazing toe gap on my feet. I never paid attention to this until my girlfriend pointed it out to me a few years ago. Suddenly a mystery developed: why are my first two toes not into hanging out with my last three toes? I have several theories:
1. In a former life, I was a member of the Huaorani tribe in the Amazon river basin, and my toe gap helped me to climb trees and navigate the rigors of the rain forest with ease.
2. While sleepwalking, I love to smoke big cigars with my feet.
3. I had webbed toes as a newborn, and the doctor who sliced the webbed skin from between my toes took too much. The trauma was so great that my mother never told me what happened.
4. As a newborn, someone removed my sixth toe. See comment 3 above.
With a toe gap like this, one would think that I'm an agile motherfucker, sleek and surefooted as a gazelle. Unfortunately, this is not the case. In fact, as a child, when I played soccer, baseball or some other game with the neighborhood kids, I wasn't picked last - oftentimes I wasn't even picked - they would play a man short and I would watch from the sidelines or go home and eat Twinkies, read science fiction books, and grow boy boobies.
Some of the women in my family have the second toe that's longer than the big toe.
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